My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
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You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up