just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
*pronounces fake like saké*
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.