You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.