If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
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[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*