I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
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Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re