11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
You Might Also Like
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”