last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My dad is at it again
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.