[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
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My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
this could fix me
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Breaking news:
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
My new favorite headline
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end