When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
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Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much