LMAO.
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Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.