We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.