Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?