Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Krampus.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl