[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
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If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Not even remotely sorry.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?