Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
This rocks
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery