You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
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i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
🤣
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine