What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
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I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them