When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
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i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?