Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
You Might Also Like
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
? 💀