if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Hmmmmm
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭