On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
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please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Phonetics
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*