Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi