Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
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“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
This is a bad sign
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”