One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
You Might Also Like
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.