If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
You Might Also Like
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you鈥檙e standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don鈥檛 care one bit. They鈥檒l dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
You can’t make this shit up 馃槱
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
men, we mow at sunrise.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Me: sorry I鈥檓 late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don鈥檛 believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 馃樁
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I鈥檓 wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there鈥檚 200 more and you鈥檙e not allowed to look at your phone.
I don鈥檛 understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?