someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
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“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?