Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
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Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Stop being racist to kettles.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke