Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
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Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.