Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Breaking news:
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Taking phone security to the next level.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.