DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
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Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline