The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Saturday
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Most fashion shows these days…
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
For anyone who needs this today
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women