Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Is your wife single?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…