My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
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Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.