Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
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I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Whisper out to librarians!
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever