Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
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The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not