If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
🤣
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.