me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Taking phone security to the next level.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
What personal space?
My dog
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.