[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights