Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
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I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
This a good idea
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.