I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
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i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.