We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
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fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
*weighs self after shaving
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken