Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Anyone want a chair?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.