chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
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Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
monday
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT