Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
😂😂
Scream sneezers need love too.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho