What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
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I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do