The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
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JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
S O O N
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals