date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
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After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.