Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
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[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Poetry is my passion
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I wanna be friends with this person
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
much to think about
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet