Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
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“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST