if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
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[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!